When I saw the words “Asylum” and “Kane Hodder” I kept my expectations low. It starts out with some fairly good graphics, sound track, and Michele Boyd running around in her red bra and panties. I was wondering how Asylum could mess up a grindhouse movie. The suspense didn’t last long. Porthos was horrifically, if not MST comically portrayed by Keith Allen attempting to imitate Jeff Goldblum. Unlike Ronald Reagan, Porthos is able to recall missiles after they are launched and has a magical Asylum notebook that can see anything in the sky. Of course the whole idea that a North Korean missile can launch straight and hit its target enters into the realm of fantasy that even Disney dare not go.
Heather Hemmens plays Agent D’Artangan who is a low level Pentagon employee who speaks Arabic and Chinese while being an Olympic fencer (I wonder how that will play in) and descends from the “real” Musketeers. She obtains her first field assignment and gets Danny Glover, the only decent actor in this film, killed just after he explains the plot. I find myself howling at what are supposed to be tense dramatic moments. For instance, if you say “The Cardinal” around Agent D’Artangan, she goes off like saying “Niagara Falls” in a Three Stooges episode. She also believes you can locate anyone on the planet from their junk mail because those people know how to find you.
The initial meeting of Agent D’Artangan and Aramis (Michele Boyd) the testosterone level among the women was higher than the men.
The good grindhouse aspect of the movie ends once Boyd puts her clothes back on, 10 minutes into the movie. From there it is downhill as it morphs into a lame action film with bad cut-away scenes. Imagine a bad Andy Sidaris film with no nudity, bikinis, or actors.
No f-bombs, sex, or nudity. Why Danny why? Say it ain’t so.
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Better Than The Orlando & Milla Effort !,
Starring: Alan Rachins, David Chokachi and Kane Hodder.
Directed by: Cole McKay
Pretty amazing effort to entertain with a familiar name in action-adventure films.
The action stuff is truly breathtaking and moves really fast to plot points that make sense and add to excitement of effort.
The chracter names you are used to are here and the evil Cardinal is represented by LA LAW `s Alan Rachins.
The evilness continues with David Chokachi from BAYWATCH fame and he shows many skills that can still be added to his acting efforts.
The cameos reach a pinnacle with F13 JASON,Kane Hodder gives a fleeting character some horrible glee in his tasks.
This should be a big hit in rentals and sales, It has everything for the fan and even occasional viewer of Redbox or Netflix fodder.
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|USING JUNKMAIL TO FIND TERRORISTS,
When I saw the words “Asylum” and “Kane Hodder” I kept my expectations low. It starts out with some fairly good graphics, sound track, and Michele Boyd running around in her red bra and panties. I was wondering how Asylum could mess up a grindhouse movie. The suspense didn’t last long. Porthos was horrifically, if not MST comically portrayed by Keith Allen attempting to imitate Jeff Goldblum. Unlike Ronald Reagan, Porthos is able to recall missiles after they are launched and has a magical Asylum notebook that can see anything in the sky. Of course the whole idea that a North Korean missile can launch straight and hit its target enters into the realm of fantasy that even Disney dare not go.
Heather Hemmens plays Agent D’Artangan who is a low level Pentagon employee who speaks Arabic and Chinese while being an Olympic fencer (I wonder how that will play in) and descends from the “real” Musketeers. She obtains her first field assignment and gets Danny Glover, the only decent actor in this film, killed just after he explains the plot. I find myself howling at what are supposed to be tense dramatic moments. For instance, if you say “The Cardinal” around Agent D’Artangan, she goes off like saying “Niagara Falls” in a Three Stooges episode. She also believes you can locate anyone on the planet from their junk mail because those people know how to find you.
The initial meeting of Agent D’Artangan and Aramis (Michele Boyd) the testosterone level among the women was higher than the men.
The good grindhouse aspect of the movie ends once Boyd puts her clothes back on, 10 minutes into the movie. From there it is downhill as it morphs into a lame action film with bad cut-away scenes. Imagine a bad Andy Sidaris film with no nudity, bikinis, or actors.
No f-bombs, sex, or nudity. Why Danny why? Say it ain’t so.
Was this review helpful to you?
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